My magic wand complex

When I was a child.. about 4 or 5 maybe, I used to get sad sometimes. My parents had separated and I was spending my time between two homes. Dad was in a relationship with a woman who wasn’t overly enamored by his role as my father. At dinner she wouldn’t let me sit next to him. If my shoe laces came undone, she’d laugh at me and call me stupid. All fairly minor things really.. but it all built up and battered any sense of self confidence or feelings of being cared for that I might have had. He married her not long after they met and they remain married to this day.

Mum however, had moved in with Dave. His attitude towards me could not have been more different. He had a son who was four years older than me and to this day I don’t feel that he loved the two of us any differently. His son and I argued a lot and I know that Mum and Dave worried. They thought we’d hate each other and worried that we would never get on.

The truth couldn’t have been more different.

I was a five year old girl and he was a nine year old boy. I hero worshiped him and as a result was intensely annoying! So yes, there were arguments. What my parents didn’t learn until perhaps a year ago is that my brother was a wizard.

On the days when he knew I felt sad about not being able to see my dad.. or my step mother having been her usual unpleasant self.. he took it upon himself to cheer me up. He created a character who he called The Wizard. He told me that he could call the Wizard and he would come and see me. He had a magic device that he used to call him (which.. in hind sight.. was just a solar powered calculator.. but hey, I was 5. It was magic). Then my brother would tell me to come to his room in ten minutes and The Wizard would be there. In those ten minutes, the transformation took place. He put all his clothes on at once… trousers, shorts, jumpers, t-shirts etc. and gelled his hair. He was now The Wizard.

Once in my brothers bedroom, The Wizard would tell me jokes, play games with me and generally make me feel good again. I always knew it was just my brother.. but I loved this time with him. Anything that had happened before that moment to make me sad or scared became a distant memory. He made me feel so safe.

I don’t know when this game ended, whether we grew out of it or something happened to end it… just that it did end and until recently we never spoke of it. I think it was last Christmas at the dinner table that he or I made reference to The Wizard and our parents baffled faces meant that we had to explain the whole thing.

Yesterday I had a call from my mother. She had her bad news voice on. My brother was at the hospital with his girlfriend. They had gone there for a routine scan. He was waiting for the results before telling us that she was pregnant and he was going to be a father. However after several scans, a heart beat could not be found and further tests would need to be done. He and his girlfriend were preparing to be told that their baby was no longer alive.

For the rest of the day there was no news. Today I have heard via my mother that tests have shown that it is an ectopic pregnancy. It will not be possible to carry their baby to term. To do so would endanger both her and the baby’s life. So tonight they are preparing for a termination.

So tonight a little light goes out and my brother’s heart is breaking.

I wish I had a magic wand.

~ by littlelights on July 6, 2008.